More obvious musings about weight

It's not just about the weight - the number, the size of our butt or thighs. For me, anyway, it's also about the fact that I am not able to do what I say I want to do - I pledge to eat a certain way, and then I don't.

I feel like I have two people inside me (id and superego?) - one of whom makes plans and rules and goals, and the other who says f&%$ you to the first one, and does whatever the hell she wants. (It doesn't matter how strict or how kind and reasonable the plans or rules are.) I can say to myself, I'm going to order a salad for dinner, and then, out of my mouth comes, "and some chips and salsa, please." Then I think, "I won't eat all those chips, I'll throw half away or bring them home to the kids" then I eat them all. I feel like I have no control over my own actions. For months or years at a time, this will go on, and I gain and gain and gain, and then some switch gets flipped, and I have control again, for a few weeks or months, I lose weight, and then the switch is flipped over again. I have found a hypnotist and I plan to make an appointment with her this coming week - I have no other ideas at this point.

I was so happy to be in New York today - I was visiting with my sister, who is moving to California tomorrow. She recently got engaged so we went to Macy's Bridal Salon so she could try on some wedding dresses - the very epitome of sisterly fun! I get so much energy and buzz from walking around in Manhattan - just a silly grin every time I go. I lived there for 11 years, but have now lived away for 10 - that life seems long ago and far away! (I left there, not because I wanted to, but because it was my husband's turn to decide where we lived - and was miserable and homesick for a long time. Now I love where I live, hence my photoblog, but if I ever got rich - not likely! - I would get an apartment there in a heartbeat!)

Oh, one more thing: I got new running shoes! I've always hated the ones I have (Asics 1120's) but I felt I needed to keep them to get my money's worth. It's been 9 months, and maybe 200 miles or so, not really fully worn out, but I had some time to kill at Grand Central Station so I went into the Super Runner's Shop. I have no idea if the guy waiting on me knew anything, but the shoes he gave me to try were ones that had been recommended to me elsewhere: Saucony Hurricane's, and New Balance something's. (I'd look, but they are downstairs and I am lazy.) They both fit pretty well, but I went with the NB's - (despite being ugly boy colors - blue and orange) - I think they felt a bit better all around. I'll try them indoors on the treadmill tomorrow to see if I really like them (there's a 30 day money back guarantee - an excuse to go back to the city!) Only thing is, if they're the model I think they are on Road Runner Sports, I paid $20 too much!