Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Away to Thanksgiving

Weight this morning: 196. I don't think I regained 2 pounds that I'd actually lost - I'm sure it's all just water up, water down. My goal for the next four days: come back weighing no more than when I left. Exercise every day (including today); don't drink too much, don't stuff myself silly.

I'm going to run today for the first time in a week. I have a new pain, down the side of the same leg that's been bothering me, a few inches above the knee. I'm going to take it real easy and see how it feels.

Meanwhile,e on the advice of a wise friend, I've been investigating possible hormonal imbalances contributing to mood swings - I've invested in some black cohosh herb, some soy products and seaweed to balance the soy. I'm cutting back on alcohol (one small glass every other day instead of 1-2 large glasses every day!) and on caffeine. I'll give it a month and see if it affects any of these problems and if it doesn't, take it the next step beyond random self-treatment and go see...someone. Not sure who yet.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Plowing ahead

Weight this morning: 194.8. While it looks like I've lost 3 pounds this week, it occurs to me that at least some of it is hair - I had a major chop this week. I'd been working a long-n-glamorous look for a while, mostly out of laziness. When I took the time to blowdry it all the way, it looked GREAT but the rest of the time it was a bit too shaggy/messy for me, not in a sexy bedhead way, but in a "this girl is in a slump and not taking care of herself" way. So I found this picture and brought it to a new stylist whose work I've admired:

She looked at the picture, at my hair and my face, heard me say "I don't want to spend more than 5 minutes in the morning," and told me, "no, not doing that." Though I was disappointed, I trusted her completely - she seemed to be paying such close attention to what would be JUST RIGHT for me.

The end of the story is probably obvious: I HATE it. It's not long nor short, it has no particular shape (other than vaguely bell-like) and it makes me feel like an 8th grader. Not in a good way. (Is there a good way to feel like an 8th-grader?) I'll give it a week more, to try to learn how to do it right, and then, I guess, go back and ask her to fix it. (I've NEVER done that before, but I really hate it.)

However, it does dry much faster, which I tested out this afternoon after my first time swimming with the other Master's Swimming Coach. I liked him much better than the guy who does the Thursday night session - his advice is much more in tune with TI, and is better for triathletes and distance swimmers as opposed to the high-school sprinter approach the other guy has. I'm going to try to switch my session, at least every other week.

However my panic problem has returned - I could barely venture into the deep end today. (The lanes went from 4 feet to 7 feet, with only the last 10 or 15 feet of lane over my head.) I think it's in part because of something GeekGrl posted, about a woman who basically drowned doing an IM a few weeks ago. After I read that, I found a few more stories of people who died doing tri swims, or who started suffering from swim-induced pulmonary edema. I am SUCH an idiot for looking this up - completely morbid, and being so susceptible to anxiety, it was really stupid.

I think the only option for me now is hypnosis, and I'm seriously considering it.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

How not to lose weight

Alternate title: how not to indulge a chocolate craving.

Or: How not to make fudge.

Take your pick.

But first: weight this morning, 195.something. Size - still one up from where I was - I dug into the retired pants pile since everything I have is dirty and found to my dismay that the pair I found, discarded 2 months ago for being too big, is now snug.

Meanwhile, last night after dinner I had a "MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE" moment. Digging through the cupboards I found most of a bar of unsweetened ghirardelli. We were out of almost everything one might put in a chocolate confection including eggs and flour, but amazingly, the wrapper had a recipe for fudge that involved only: the unsweetened chocolate, some semi-sweet chocolate chips (which, I'd forgotten, we had some of), some sweetened condensed milk, which I usually keep on hand for the occasional pumpkin pie, and vanilla. Turned out we only had unsweetened evaporated skim milk, and it further turned out, when I opened it and found a weird yellow liquid with shredded looking milky bits, that evaporated milk has an expiration date that, in this case, was more than 2 years ago. But it smelled OK, so I proceeded. (Being a truly pathetic creature.) We were also short on the chocolate chips, so I added more unsweeted baking chocolate, plus sugar.

Can you tell this is not going to end well?

I melted all in a double-boiler, added the vanilla, and it tasted OK. Next step was to pour it into a pan and let it set in the refrigerator for 2 hours. I poured, and left - went to a movie (no snacks there, good on me.) Came home, found the chocolate had congealed into something resembling nothing so muich as sewage sludge on top, with a thin liquidy layer on the bottom.

Naturally, I ate some.

It looks just as disgusting today, and I've been picking at it all morning and into the afternoon. WHY? WHY don't I just pitch it? Why don't I look at the chocolate mess, and look at my too-small, formerly too big pants, and say, STOP. THE. INSANITY.

I guess I can try LPTEBA's suggestion and post the weight I want to attain next - say, 193, on little post-its all over the house. If my kids ask about them I can tell them they're for math practice and give them some subtraction problems.

By the way, I did hav ea great workout today - a one-hour Pilates class plus 45 minutes on the elliptical, on the "fat-burn" setting. It's weird - to lose fat you're supposed to work out at a lower heart rate. I'm so used to working in the 130-150 range, and the machine kept silently yelling at me to slow down to 119. The good thing was that by doing so, I could indeed continue for the whole 45 minutes. I iced my hamstring by sitting on a pack of frozen hamburger meat (well-wrapped - it's going to be a pot of chili tonight) and rested too - trying to nap while listening to my kids and their playdate play school. It's so cute to hear 8-year olds give each other (and the little sister) instruction about US geography.

Oh, and here's some more consolation: apparently women with small waists and big asses are smarter, and pass their brains down to their kids. Something to do with Omega-3-fatty acids - we naturally have more of them. So instead of bemoaning the fact that pants never fit the 14-inch difference between my waist and my hips, I should be glad!

Friday, November 16, 2007


Several of my blog-world friends are using this forum to hold themselves accountable for their choices and actions. So, in that spirit and with the intent of getting a grip and refocusing on my goals:

My weight this morning was 197.

That's 8, count-em, 8 pounds up from six weeks ago. I blame Halloween, cold weather, being overtired, and my own inability to stop shoving food in my mouth. (and my injury, but I could be doing plenty of exercise if I chose to make the time.)

My clothes are tight, my thighs rub together, I feel physically yucky. It's not that I haven't been exercising - I am averaging 3-4 times a week of a decent aerobic workout of one type or another, plus 2ish light core/weight trainings. But I've been eating double or triple what I should with absolutely no self-control. So - with Thanksgiving and the holidays coming, and everyone having cookies and crap around, I am determined to get ahold of myself and hit January 1 weighing less than I do now. Can get back to 190 by then? I don't know. But I should be able to lose a pound a week, right?

I am 43 years old. Why do I still undermine myself at every turn? Why do I say out loud thatI want to control my eating, but at the very same time, think, "oh, there will be chocolate at the hair salon, great!" I heard a commercial on the radio this morning for a hypnotist that used that very idea, saying, "stop being your own worst enemy and become your own best friend."

My daughter wants a turn on the computer but I am definitely coming back to this theme, hopefully in a more coherent way. Meanwhile, I went to sleep at 8:30 pm last night instead of swimming; did nothing today. Wednesday I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes of weights; Tuesday I did spinning but it hurt my leg too much. Tomorrow: Pilates and elliptical (or something.) Sunday: swim. And I will not overeat. I will not overeat. I will not overeat.