Monday, December 31, 2007

Ouch Ouch ouch

Emotional, not physical.

It's a good thing I had a long email exchange with IronGeekGirl today about "stimulus-belief-response" because I need to change my beliefs, pronto, as I'm responding VERY negatively to something that just happened - I've been near tears for the last couple of hours.

Without going into details, I found out what several people I've known for a few years really think of me. What I learned reinforces every bad feeling I've ever had about myself, every moment of paranoia and social anxiety, every bit of insecurity dating back to childhood. I am devastated.

I contemplated letting them know I'd found out, but decided not to - that kind of impulse is never good to act on. I'm sure they wouldn't want to hurt my feelings intentionally, and revealing it would just cause more pain and humiliation all around. And I don't think it would change anything. But I feel like I can't trust anyone.

So - how do I turn this around. Well, I can't change what happened, or what anyone else says or thinks about me. Whatever it is that I do that causes them to say or think what they do is probably an immutable part of who I am - there's nothing I can do about it. So if I want to feel less shitty, I have to change my beliefs about it.

Right now I believe that: they hate me. They laugh at me behind my back. They have no respect for me. The fact that they do and think those things means I am laughable, worthless, disgusting. And everyone must think the same thing, feel the same thing about me.

Wow. Ok, where do I go with that giant load of negativity?

I'll get back to you.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Can't make resolutions yet...

Today was my first "real" workout since Saturday. (My " running" day.) Since then I've walked a lot (Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I each walked a couple of miles) and, well, painted a lot (Wednesday and Thursday spent most of both days painting my community center. And boy are my arms - and back - tired!) But that wasn't enough exercise: by last night I had that greasy icky feeling I get after too much cheesecake (made it myself, very fluffy and eggy, YUM) and too little sweat.

Today I went to the cross-training class at my local gym - a great workout. Now my arms are REALLLY tired (but I"m almost done with the painting - we replaced the horrible yellow (that I'd chosen myself 6 years ago and that was meant to look cheery and sunny, but was just oppressive) with a soft color called "straw." Everything is fresh and clean again!)

But here's my situation. Last year, when I was getting in shape for my first triathlon, my kids left for school before 8am. It was easy, relatively, to get out the door and get to a workout and still get to work on-time-ish. Now they leave at 8:30. ... you know what, I'm not doing this. What I started to write here was just a bunch of excuses - i.e. back to the old days when I had a thousand reasons why I couldn't work out. Then last year I decided I was going to do it anyway. And I did, and I still can.

But my mental block is still: what am I training for? Am I doing triathlons again? if so, how am I going to get over my fear of the swim? And if not, why should I bother ever going to the pool again! (I haven't swum in probably a month, or close to it.)

January 1 is 5 days away - by then I hope to have my priorities and motivations clear so I can get going on 2008!

Saturday, December 22, 2007


For at least a month, maybe more, I've been doing everything but run, trying to rest and heal my hamstring and the tendons that attach it to the hip joint. The muscle feels fine now - I've been doing tons of stretching so I'm more limber than I've been in ages. (I used to be a dancer but I can't imagine I'll ever get anywhere near the flexibility I had back then!) The tendon still aches when I put strain on it - spinning doesn't bother it, nor elliptical, but just about any other weight bearing exercise does. However I couldn't wait any longer - I did 20 minutes slow jog (4.5 mph) on the treadmill today. It felt - OK. The aches is there, but it didn't get any worse as I went along. I'll try it again in a day or two.

By the way, the vitamins and supplements I've now been taking for about six weeks seem to really help - thanks, LBTEPA!

The stunning silence in the comments area from my last post leads me to believe that I revealed too much!

Sunday, December 16, 2007


GeekGirl tagged me! I'm so flattered! I'm supposed to share five unusual things about me. I've already done this once before on my other blog, so click here for eight more "interesting" facts.

1. I once had a joke published in Hustler Magazine (but wasn't paid for it.) The story of how it came to be is kinda funny - details below.
2. GeekGrl says her beloved told her she has pretty feet, which reminded me that the guy I had a crush on in high school told me I had sturdy feet. I think he meant it as a compliment, but at age 16 hoping for my first- ever kiss, it wasn't the one I was hoping for! (He never did kiss me.)
3. I have actually played the part of a fairy onstage. As an adult. Seriously. (In Gilbert & Sullivan, so it wasn't THAT serious!)
4. I have gotten lost in every borough of New York City.
5. I once worked as a park ranger in a remote island off the coast of Michigan's upper peninsula - at night you could hear the wolves howling.

So the story of Hustler Magazine (in case you aren't or don't know any teenage boys, it's a porn magazine): my first boyfriend worked in the comic book industry after college - a friend of ours had co-founded a wonderful company called Milestone Media and my by-then-already-ex was one of the first writers working there. But for various reasons he left, and after much travail found a job as the editor of the humor section of Hustler. (What makes this hilarious is that he is the shyest person on the planet - he'd literally leave the room if someone was breastfeeding their baby.) We were still friends, and as I had just had my daughter at that time, proposed a joke to him that was a parody of the "Got Milk" campaign, involving a man, a milk mustache, and a naked breast. (It ran in the magazine with another friend of ours posing in the photo as the most happy fella.) He left that job after a short time, before he got totally corrupted, and is now back in the "legit" world of Saturday morning cartoons!

Now I'm supposed to tag five other people. But since everyone in blog land has already been tagged at least once, I don't want to spam anyone. Instead, if you read this and want to tag yourself, please do (and say so in the comments so we can come to your blog and learn more about you!)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Three weeks, no post!

Where am I? What am I doing? I'm starting over, in some ways. I had gained back about 8 pounds, but in the last while I've gotten a grip on myself and have re-lost 4 of them - helped along by a nasty bout of stomach flu! (Is it "The Devil Wears Prada" that has the line that goes something like, "I'm just one stomach flu away from fitting into my skinny jeans?" Since recovering, I've worked out every day. I bought some heavier dumbbells, and finally popped for a new heart rate monitor after having lost the transmitter on my old one a couple of months ago. Soon I'll decipher all the buttons so I can use it properly! (It's a Polar F6 - it has some fancy functions like a diary and upload to computer abilities - but honestly the only thing I really care about is keeping track of where I am when I'm working out - I'll never be enough of a geek-head (no insult intended, GeekGrl!) to want to chart and graph my workouts. I stopped going to IronWil's ThroughTh3Wall Challenge in part because, of all the fun timewasters, like Facebook, which I'm currently enjoying mightily, that one just wasn't grabbing me! End of digression, or is it all digression?)

Anyway, my injury is still bothering me a lot, though my insurance company decided I was better enough that they don't need to continue paying for the PT. I have a little money left over in my flex savings account so I can go next week and the week after if they're around during the holiday, but then it's just me and my foam roller. So I'm spinning, ellipticalling, shoveling snow, walking steep hills on the treadmill, and a LITTLE light jogging. Oh and I've managed to mostly avoid swimming for various reasons but I WILL get back in the pool soon. Will I ever race again? I don't know. At least I'm going through this during the winter, not peak race season!

I'm planning to start a new blog, though: I have at least a dozen essays in mind about various feminist-ish topics - the evils of girl's toys and TV shows, how far back we've fallen since the 70's in creating positive images for girls - oddly enough and completely coincidentally, just as I started to write this, the kids found, of all things, the Free to Be, You and Me CD and put it in. Marlo Thomas, what has become of your dream?