Monday, December 31, 2007

Ouch Ouch ouch

Emotional, not physical.

It's a good thing I had a long email exchange with IronGeekGirl today about "stimulus-belief-response" because I need to change my beliefs, pronto, as I'm responding VERY negatively to something that just happened - I've been near tears for the last couple of hours.

Without going into details, I found out what several people I've known for a few years really think of me. What I learned reinforces every bad feeling I've ever had about myself, every moment of paranoia and social anxiety, every bit of insecurity dating back to childhood. I am devastated.

I contemplated letting them know I'd found out, but decided not to - that kind of impulse is never good to act on. I'm sure they wouldn't want to hurt my feelings intentionally, and revealing it would just cause more pain and humiliation all around. And I don't think it would change anything. But I feel like I can't trust anyone.

So - how do I turn this around. Well, I can't change what happened, or what anyone else says or thinks about me. Whatever it is that I do that causes them to say or think what they do is probably an immutable part of who I am - there's nothing I can do about it. So if I want to feel less shitty, I have to change my beliefs about it.

Right now I believe that: they hate me. They laugh at me behind my back. They have no respect for me. The fact that they do and think those things means I am laughable, worthless, disgusting. And everyone must think the same thing, feel the same thing about me.

Wow. Ok, where do I go with that giant load of negativity?

I'll get back to you.

4 comments:

LBTEPA said...

I am so sorry that happened to you ((HUGS))

"I believe that: they hate me. They laugh at me behind my back. They have no respect for me. The fact that they do and think those things means I am laughable, worthless, disgusting. And everyone must think the same thing, feel the same thing about me."
The first part of this may be true, you don't know.
The second and third parts DO NOT logically or necessarily follow on from the first one. Some people have bad opinions of you. Other people think the sun shines when you bend over!
I got a lot out of GeekGirl's post about family and how we should stop wasting energy on people who will never love us. These people with their nasty opinions are not your friends or your loved ones, even if you thought they were. People who love you treat you well and are loyal to you when you're not there. And before you blame yourself for not recognising their real natures, it's not a character flaw to have beleived the best of people and been proven wrong!
Sorry this has turned into a lecture, feel free to email me and tell me to mind my own business! Take care darl ((HUGS))

Iron "GeekGirl" Misty said...

{{{Jenny}}}
One good place to start would be that, if you subscribe toe ABC, that it's their problems they're reacting to, not yours. They have some sort of issue that causes them to react to you the way they do that is separate from you. They aren't living in your skin, you are, and you really know what's going on, and who you are. Go from there.

Duane said...

Well we love you!

Anonymous said...

>>>>I believe that: they hate me. They laugh at me behind my back. They have no respect for me. The fact that they do and think those things means I am laughable, worthless, disgusting. And everyone must think the same thing, feel the same thing about me."

Jenny, forgive me, but this is just nuts. You are accomplished, multi-talented and smart beyond measure. This is a huge over-reaction to rejection from some people you obviously know pretty superficially. As you said, the reaction is born of childhood anxiety - I've done the same thing too. But you need to get some perspective back. Who *are* these people, anyway? Work colleagues? Please give some details so we can help you figure this out and put it behind you. It's completely understandable that you would feel embarrassed and betrayed to find out that this is how they feel, but you can't turn on yourself this way. Putting aside the embarrassment, do you really care what these particular people think of you?

(BTW, is it posssible that you are over-reaching to what you saw? Does it really show that they hate you or was it confined to something particular that they thought was amusing?)

I wouldnt rule out the possiblity of telling them what you saw, once you get your confidence back. Why are you worried about protecting them? Your reaction could be along the lines of, "Whoa, I guess you guys don't think much of *me*". Think how strong you would feel being able to make a statement like that directly to them. It would show that whatever they may think about you, it doesn't affect how you feel about yourself. You have nothing to fear from *them*. [I know you're not there yet emotionally.]

Hang in there - you will get past this.

Carol M from Jan99